I'm still Alive
by Babywolfchick1142
Summary: There bond has broken, shattered into pieces. Hikaru is happy, but that came at the price of Kaoru's happiness. The pain was to much for Kaoru, so he found a way to numb it. He managed to hide his pain, sadness, and eventual numbness behind a mask and perfect acting. No one could see what Kaoru had become. Because to them he hadn't even changed. He is broken, but he is still alive.
1. Still Alive

Title: I'm Still Alive (Based on the song 'Still Alive' By: Lisa Miscovsky)

Disclaimer:I do not own Ouran High School Host Club, nor do I own the song Still Alive.

Warnings: Mentions of smoking, drinking, and drug abuse. Cutting. Depression.

**A/N: This is no longer a one-shot I have finally decided to continue, but I need to know that I have readers. It has beeen a long time since I posted this, but chapter two is up. I have decided to continue. ****I am unreliable when it comes to updating, but there should be no more than a month(maybe a little more due to circumstances) between my updates**

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Chapter 1: Still Alive

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**_I have changed_**  
**_I have changed  
Just like you  
Just like you_**

It all started when Haruhi joined the host club, although I don't blame Haruhi. I always knew that it would happen someday, I just didn't think that it would happen so soon. At first I didn't think much of it; we were still just as close as ever. But then I saw it. Hikaru was falling for Haruhi, and he was falling fast. He was slowly leaving me behind, and that was when I realized it. Hikaru changed, and so did I. We were no longer the only ones in the room. It was no longer us against them. Hikaru opened up and became one of them, leaving me all alone in our lonely world. Our bond was breaking slowly, but surely. I no longer knew Hikaru, and he didn't even care enough to know me.

**_For how long  
For how long  
Must I wait  
I know there's something wrong_**

Then the pain began. I stood by and watched as he slowly left me for her. The sad part about it is, I am the one who pushed him to go after her. I knew that we needed to grow up and branch out. I also knew that she would make him happy, and she did. Now I'm all alone. The price that I had to pay to make my brother happy was my own happiness. I had to learn to let go, but the pain was unbearable. Soon enough the pain took control…That is when I found ways to keep the pain at bay…To make myself go numb.

**_Your concrete heart isn't beating  
And I've tried to  
Make it come alive_**

First I started smoking, no one notice. After about a month, just smoking wasn't enough. Then, I started drinking, again no one noticed. Drinking worked to some extent, but it still was not enough. After that I turned to drugs, still no one noticed. Sometimes the drugs worked, and sometimes they didn't. I fell into a deep depression and began cutting myself, no one noticed a thing. I would not let the people I care about see what I'd become, so I hid it all behind a fool proof mask. No one could tell that I was faking happiness. I hid the smell of smoke and liquor. I perfected being my normal self even when I was high or drunk. I hid the needle marks, and the cuts on my arms under long sleeved shirts.  
_  
**Oh I'm still alive**  
**I'm still alive**  
**But cannot apologize, no**  
**Oh I'm still alive**  
**I'm still alive**  
**But cannot apologize, no**_

I created a mask of who I used to be. I hid behind it and put on an act of who I used to be. No one could see through, not even the smartest people I knew. Acting was the one thing I was always good at, I was one of the best actors around. Being one of the best wasn't good enough, I had to be perfect. So I mastered the art of acting. I was the perfect replica of who I used to be. No one could see through my mask.

**_So silent_**  
**_No violence_**  
**_But inside my head_**  
**_So loud and clear_**

I hated myself for what I'd word I said was a lie. Every move I made was a lie. Every breath I took was a lie. Everything about me was a lie. Everything I am is a lie. But I had to keep my mask in place; I couldn't let them see me. I just couldn't. I had the urge to give up, the urge was almost overwhelming, but I knew I had to keep living. No matter how much I wanted to end it all. I had to keep going I had. So I kept eating, even though I wanted to stop. I tried my hardest to continue sleeping, even though I didn't want to. I got up every day, even though I didn't see the point. _  
_  
_**You're screaming  
You're screaming  
Covered up with a smile  
I've learned to fear**_

I am happy that no one can see through my mask, I really am. But I can't help feeling sad about it. I don't want people seeing through for a reason, but I wish that at least one person could see through. Sometimes I think that it's not that people can't see through, it's that people don't care enough to see through my mask. Or, they just don't want to see what I have become, so they act along with me.

**_Just sunshine_**  
**_And blue sky_**  
**_Is this all we get_**  
**_For living here_**

Either way, if anyone notices they hide it, they hide from the truth. No one has called me out yet, and I don't think they ever will. How I truly feel will always be hidden away behind a mask. No one will ever know what I have become.

**_Come fire  
Come fire  
Let it burn  
And love come racing through_**

Everyone being there normal selves makes me even more depressed. Hikaru is still Hikaru, the changed version of himself. Tamaki is still his happy go lucky self. Haruhi is still smart and caring. Kyoya is still calculating, calm, and manipulative. Honey is still childish, cute, and in-love with sweets. Mori is still mysterious, quiet, and protective over Honey. Even Renge is the same. I'm the only one who has truly changed and no one, not even my parents notice. As if my parents could even tell the difference between Hikaru and I.

**_Oh I'm still alive  
I'm still alive  
But cannot apologize, no_**

As long as I keep on living, everything will be fine. I will keep hiding, and everyone will be happy and stay themselves. My pain will eventually dissipate, I just have to completely let go of Hikaru. Only then will I be free, and happy to be alive.

**_Oh I'm still alive  
I'm still alive  
But cannot apologize, no_**

**_I've learn to lose  
I've learn to win  
I've turned my face against the wind_**

_**I will move fast**  
**I will move slow**  
**Take me where I have to go**  
_

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A/N: Thank you for reading, please don't forget to review!

**Please review, I will not continue this story if no one is reading it. I made a choice to continue, by reviewing you will let me no that I made a good choice.**


	2. Self Destruct

Disclaimer:I do not own Ouran High School Host Club, nor do I own the song Self Destruct by Staind.

Warnings: Smoking, drinking, and drug abuse. Cutting. Depression. Mentions of, and actual, sex, both Het and Slash(yaoi).

**IMPORTANT A/N:********(This is no longer a one-shot I have finally decided to continue, but I need to know that I have readers.)****So it has been a long time since I posted this fanfiction. It was originally going to be a one-shot, but I promised that if it was asked of me, I would continue and make it into a story. It has been asked of me several times since I first posted it, so today I decided I would continue this fic. I know it has been almost a year now since I posted the first chapter, but I hope the original reader are still with this story. I will continue it from here on out. I am unreliable when it comes to updating, but there should be no more than a month(maybe a little more due to circumstances) between my updates. Please review, I will not continue this story if no one is reading it. I made a choice to continue, by reviewing you will let me no that I made a good choice.**

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Chapter 2: Self Destruct

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**_Watch me suffer, y_****_ou'll feel better  
Stick the needle in my vein_**  
**_ Lost my feelings with my dealing _**  
**_ Thoughts of only you remain_**

I sat alone in my room, yes my room, for Hikaru and I no longer shared a room. Hikaru had came to me one day and said that we needed sometime apart, he then proceeded to say that he would be moving to his own set of rooms just down the hall. I, of course, put on a mask of happiness and agreed with his wishes; I even helped him move to his new rooms and settle down. I knew that Hikaru just wanted to be able to have 'sleep overs' with Haruhi, who was almost always with Hikaru, weather it was at her house, or our mansion. It sickens me! Hikaru is always to bust with her to pay any attention to me, his own twin. I sigh as I tighten a belt around my arm, I slowly lift a loaded needle to my protruding vein. This always helps me feel better, even if thoughts of him remain.

**_Fuck Fuck Fuck_**

I can't even get any time with Hikaru during club hours any more, since mine and Hikaru's act was canceled in favor of Hikaru and Haruhi's. I am now forced to entertain by self. Don't get me wrong, I still have quite a few fans to entertain. My new act is the 'Lonely twin Act,' it's rather ironic actually, I play the twin who was cast aside for another. Since it's pretty much the truth, and that is what I am, I don't even have to act it out. The girls love it. They love my new 'Loner type' personality, and they love Hikaru and Haruhi who now play the 'Secret Lovers' act. Although, their relationship is not so secret. The girls got through our "break up" rather well, and fell in love with all of the new romance and angst it brought on. The Host club is actually making more of a profit now, so I doubt that Hikaru and I's act will ever be brought back. My heart just keeps breaking over and over at the thought of it all. Hikaru was actually glad when Kyoya announced the change in act, he said that our act was starting to bore him. That felt like a knife cutting through my heart over and over.

_**Rip and tear i**__**n my despair**_  
_**Agonizing over shit**_  
_**Feel the needle burn and Tingle  
My bad habits, deal with it**_

I feel a tingly burn as the needle delivers my loving release into my blood stream. Is it asking to much to want the agony to just disappear forever? I hear a thud as the needle drops from my had and hits the ground. I throw my head backwards and close my eyes, as I allow the blissful feeling of my remedy to kick in. This is the feeling of true freedom, and all it takes is a little bit of heroin melted down on silver spoon. I stand from my position of sitting on the floor with my back to the wall. I quickly clean up my mess, I pack everything back into the box I keep it in and properly dispose of the used needle. I don't want the maids to get nosy and stumble upon anything revealing, that would just lead to disaster. So I keep anything that I shouldn't have in that box, my heroin kit, alcohol, cigarettes, pills, and other drugs that I don't want anyone to find. I keep the box locked with a combination lock that only I know the code to, and I hide it in a locked drawer(which only I have the key to) in the very back of my closet.

As much as I wish that someone would notice what I am doing, what I have become, it is for the best that no one does. So I will take every precaution to make sure that they don't. I take a swig from a bottle of vodka that I took from my box before putting it away. My head feels light and I feel alive with the mixture of heroin and vodka in my system. It helps take Hikaru from my mind, if only for a second. I laugh to my self as I hear voices in the hallway, a telltale sign that Hikaru was home and Haruhi is with him. I know Hikaru won't come by to see me, he never does anymore. He used to come by every night after he first moved out of my room, now he never comes by at all. He is always to busy with Haruhi, I snort and take another big swig of vodka.

_**Fuck, fuck, fuck  
I will self destruct**_

"Oh Hikaru~" I hear Haruhi's voice giggle out. I feel sick, so very sick. I drink some more.

"I love you Haruhi...I love you and everything about you." I hear my twin say in a husky voice. I am about half way through the bottle now.

"Oh! Do that again Hikaru!" I hear Haruhi moan. It's disgusting! They are in the middle of the hallway, right outside of my rooms!

"Mmmm...Haruhi...we should...nnng...move to my rooms..." Hikaru pants out in between groans.

"Yes Hikaru...lets...oh!" I hear her practically screaming out as they move away from my room and down to Hikaru's. I drop the now empty vodka bottle and stumble to my bath room. I feel dizzy and sick, Oh god! I collapse down on my knees and begin retching the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I throw up until there is nothing left and I start dry heaving. Fuck I can't breathe! The world, everything is closing in around me. I begin to hyperventilate. I hear laughing, I hear whispering! The voices they won't stop...won't go away! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! They are laughing at me. They find it funny.

_"Hikaru doesn't love you...He never did."  
"You don't deserve love"  
"He has Haruhi now, why would he want you?"  
"You are nothing...you never were anything..."  
"Loser! Loser! Hikaru love Haruhi! Loser! Loser!"_  
_"He never wanted you, you were just there to play with, to pass the time."  
"You are just a game to play with to Hikaru..." _The voices kept on and on, there were so many of them! Young, old, male, female, they just wouldn't stop! He needed them to stop!

_**My life has slowly faded  
Broke down and degraded  
Suffocate in my sorrow  
Maybe, I'll die tomorrow**_

I stand and move in front of my mirror, I see them! A thousand demons whispering in my ear. They are crawling all over me, they won't stop. No! They are ripping through my skin! They are inside of me! No! No! Noooo! I begin clawing at my skin! I need to get them out! I need to make them go away! They won't stop their whispering! It itches! It burns! I look at my reflection again. No, please no! They are taken over my body from the inside! They are making me one of them! It's so hideous! I am so Hideous! _"Kaoru...How could Hika ever love you...you are a monster...a demon...you should save everyone the trouble of having to see you. Just end it all Kaoru...Save everyone from having to see you...The only way anyone can be truly happy is if you die. Let them be happy Kaoru...Just die...Die and free everyone from the monster you are..."_ The voices kept saying over and over again...It's true isn't it? I should just end it all...It's true, but...No! They had to be lying, it all had to be a lie!

"JUST GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! SHUT U! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

_**This riot that I've cited**_  
_**Came to you uninvited**_  
_**Truth hurts when it's in your face**_  
_**Are you afraid of it?**_

It's all to much, I can't take. I can't...I can't...CRASH! The voices and the demons disappear as my mind clears and is shocked back into reality. I look up to see what I had done. The mirror that I was looking into now lay in shards over the bathroom sink and counter top. Mixed with the glass was a pool of blood that was slowly growing bigger. I look to my hands and see that they are covered in blood, and splintered with with glass. There is also many scratch marks on my arms from when I was clawing at my skin. I begin feeling lightheaded again, there is just so much blood. I feel a bubble of laughter build up in my throat. Fresh blood is just such a pretty color, it's mesmerizing! So beautiful...yet the smell...oh god the smell, there is to much blood! I am losing to much...

I will my self to sober slightly, I have to stop the bleeding. I feel no pain, I just feel numb. It feels good, to have no pain...but I have to stay alive. Hikaru will...Hikaru will, no Hikaru wouldn't care if I died, would he? Then maybe...NO! I shake away the thoughts that plague my mind and steadily pull out my first aid kit from the medicine cabinet. I push all of the glass away from the sink, causing a few more cuts, but I don't really feel it. I get out some tweezers, and use them to pull out the glass that was imbedded into my skin. When I finish doing this to the best of my ability on both hands, I turn on the faucet and stick my hands beneath the running water. I watch in mild fascination as the clear water turns pink. When I am satisfied that most of the blood had washed away, I proceeded to disinfect and bandage my wounds. This prove rather difficult, for both of my hands need to be completely bandaged up. I am right handed, so it is especially hard trying to bandage up my right arm using only my left hand. When I am satisfied with my hand, I move to the many scratches on my arms, I quickly disinfect and bandage them.

**_I will self destruct  
I think I'm gonna, think I'm gonna  
I will self destruct_**

I finish patching myself up as quickly as possible, I put the first aid kit away, and stumble out of my bathroom. I look around the floor and find the empty vodka bottle I quickly dispose of it, just like I did the needle, and collapse on my bed. I decide that I will leave the mess in th bathroom for the maids to clean up, I will tell them that I had an accident. I will have to make up a short story to tell them, they don't need to know any details. Yes that sounds good. No one needs to know the truth...hell I don't even know the truth. The only thing I know is that if this shit continues, I will self destruct. Maybe I already have self destructed...What does it matter anyway, no one cares. At least I am still alive.

**_I self destruct my mind  
I self destruct my world  
I self destruct my life_**

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Thank you for reading!

Like I have said, I will continue, like I was asked from the first chapter quite some time ago, but I will do this only if I actually have readers out there.

**Please review, I will not continue this story if no one is reading it. I made a choice to continue, by reviewing you will let me no that I made a good choice.**


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